The Attack of the Belching Beaver

Happy Halloween, everyone! Hope you are all having a spooktacular night and have enjoyed Nerdy’s rundown of Halloween articles this week. I thought that we were getting a bit of fall weather, which for SoCal is in the dry low 70’s, but then mother nature decided to be a bitch queen and kick us back up into the ’90s. Enjoy your sweater weather East Coasties, I’m rocking out with the AC on right now. It also helps to filter out all the toxins currently floating around the air from the three wildfires that are presently burning in LA County. Southern California, you are the reason I drink.

While it may not feel like October SoCal residents are very into Halloween. There are countless parties, Knotts Berry Farm hosts one of the largest spooky celebrations, and people flock from all over the country to see and be seen at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval. Pallets of pumpkins and those warty little gourds are displayed out front of every grocery store, of course, I had to buy several. Our warty little squash friends are displayed next to my carved pumpkin, awash in the light of Yankee Candle vanilla bourbon scented tea lights. (Can I have free swag now, please?!)

Autumn may not be in the air, it is certainly evident with the lack of light in the evenings. So what better way to celebrate my second favorite holiday, than with a dark rich candy beer straight from San Diego’s own Belching Beaver Brewery. Look at his adorable little face! Really makes you want to quit your job, move to SoCal and become an alcoholic living in a shack on the beach, doesn’t it?! The Beav is a reasonably new brewery at seven years young, but they can already boast two tasting rooms and two pubs. BB also has the distinction of being the first brewery ever to win Wine Spectator’s Award of Excellence. Wikipedia felt this was very important information to share, I concur. If wine snobs like your beer, you must be doing something right.

Now I made mention of this as a dark candy beer. Ordinarily, I’m not a big sweets person. I find that my palate gravitates more towards the salty/savory/umami (my boyfriend hates this word, and thus I use it all the time to playful vex him.) If I’m eating candy, it is of the sour variety, often of the worm shape. I make a sweet exception around Halloween. Just step into the seasonal section at Target, and it’s a feast for the eyes and overweight American bellies. Candycorn, and caramel apple pops, and Reece’s pumpkins oh my! My favorite candy bar is Take 5, it can be hard to find but fuck peanut butter, pretzel, chocolate, peanuts, and caramel is like sex in a plastic wrapper. Unless you have sex while wrapped in plastic (no kink-shaming here), then pick your own phrasing.

So join me as we take a dive into those bright orange plastic pumpkins used to collect candy by eager Trick Or Treaters, and go on this sweet chocolate adventure together. Are you ready to rock out with your candy cocks out? Yes, candy dicks are real, your choice of gummy or chocolate. My poor computer is probably infested with porny cookies now.

As I took the bottle opener to the cap, I swear I heard a crinkle of a candy wrapper. It’s probably just tinnitus. Let me tell you, this beer poured thick. I felt like I was pouring a chocolate soda into a pint glass, total glory. The color of the beer was a beauty to behold, a rich brown akin to dark chocolate cocoa, completely opaque. The Beaver’s got a load of lush, creamy head right up to the rim. (My goodness these sentences just write themselves, don’t they!) The foam was a pleasing cappuccino beige tint, whether due to the heat or some unseen residue on the glass, it quickly popped and crinkled its way out of existence. Why is it that head never lasts as long as you want (yuck yuck.)

Head or no head, the eyes have had enough fun, it’s time for the nose to get in on some sweet action. Make the wafting motion, you know you want to. Waft dammit! Bring those aroma notes to your nose! Have you ever walked into a ye olde fashioned candy store with the paper packets of sarsaparilla candies and the multicolored fudge counter? The warm swiss chocolate, vanilla, and caramel aromas that always seem to drift from the back of the store where I imagine little elves ( sexy Lord of the Rings kind, not old ass Kiebler) making the candies. Imagine eating hand-dipped chocolate-covered peanuts, and sipping an iced espresso as you calmly breathe in warm vanilla. Nice right?

The mouthfeel of this beer can only be described as sliding your naked ass cheeks (freshly washed and moisturized, of course) between velvet sheets. Yes, I said velvet and not silk. This beer is not silky. It is thick and luscious and velvety smooth in your mouth, thanks to the lactose. This liquid is going all Barry White on your tongue. Imagine lounging a plastic orange pumpkin that’s lined with deep purple velvet. Clearly, I’m picturing some sort of Prince-inspired sex den, go with it.

Let’s continue down the pumpkin Prince sex fantasy for a moment, shall we? That is like what this beer tasted like on the first sip. A tantalizing sweet candy velvet fantasy. It’s a peanut butter milk stout, so I would expect some kind of peanut taste. Wham chocolate! Wham peanuts! Prince is slapping you in the face with Goobers! He’s singing about when Dove chocolates cry!

Ok, back to the beer. I’m drinking a liquified Reeces cup with Goobers in it, oh my goodness. And the best part is the peanut taste is not artificial at all, the way some peanut butter stouts I’ve drunk are. With each successive sip, the beer took on the flavor of a Tootsie roll bedazzled with peanuts. I love Tootsie, I understand it can be one of those divisive candies relegated to times of told. You haters can all go fuck off. You can pry my Tootsie Rolls out of my cold dead hands, along with another hated personal favorite, Whoppers. Oh, but it gets better! The magical caramelized taste of raisins appear! Why yes I will grab Raisinettes out of that orange pumpkin thank you very much. The dark molasses-like carmel of the raisin compliments the saltiness of the peanuts and the richness of the chocolate.

The bitterness in this beer was very light, as is often the case with dark stouts. I was surprised because of how strong the cocoa aroma came through as I wafted. I’m not complaining, though. The bitterness that did come out was of the dark chocolate kind and not the citrusy hop variety. I couldn’t find an ingredients list, but my guess is either Fuggles or Golding hops. These types provide a low bittering, without the lupulin brightness of other strains. It is the fruity astringency that hits your tongue after a bite of 86% cacao from Ghirardelli (more swag please!) As the beer warmed, the bitter chocolate flavor became more palpable, but still on the light side. At a moderate 5.3% ABV, I had zero fucks to give about drinking the whole 22-ounce bottle (but when do I ever really.)

5/5 Drunk girls dressed up like Harley Quinn

Have a frightfully spooky and candy-filled Halloween ya’ll!