Staff Magician

Hey, ya’ll! I watched the Oscars on Sunday night, and I know Nerdy watched the show because she and I were texting throughout the entirety. I’ll tell you one good thing about the West Coast, the Oscars start at 5, and end at 8:30pm. None of this up until 1am business. Although the show seemed shorter this year. I think the lack of host and obligatory bits really streamlined the whole process. Sure, Steve Martin and Chris Rock’s short opening monologue was a delight, but let’s keep it at that from now on, huh. I am absolutely delighted with the results of the show. I picked Parasite to win Best Picture, and upon its announcement, I immediately danced around my studio apartment going “weeee.”

Oh, yes, that happened.

I especially enjoyed Bong saying how he was going to drink all night now, you go, girl. I’m definitely a member of the “BongHive” now, ya, that’s a thing. I could practically hear the cheering from my Koreatown adjacent apartment as Bong got his boozing on.

1917 won all the essential Guild awards, but it was the South Korean film noir examination of class divisions that took the cake. Now we all know how Nerdy feels about Parasite, but I fucking loved it. And I’m not much of a cinephile. I will watch 12 hours of Frasier (who wouldn’t, though?) on Netflix but have noped out of many a 90-minute movie. After my viewing experience, I drove home in a daze, mentally chewing each titillating morsel of movie goodness. Go, Bong, I love a good awards show upset.

Of course, I was downing some beers during the awards, Sam Adam actually. Just a taste of the good old East Coast. And on that note, onto the beer review.

For this week’s verbose review of malted delights, let us pop on down to sunny San Diego to check in with another beer from Mikkeller Brewing. A recent Google search of breweries in DLTA tells me there is a taproom near my apartment. Yes, I have to check because around here, a new brewhaus pops up every 5 mins (Angelinos love pop-ups). I will have to investigate at some point and write one of the long-promised actual brewery reviews I keep promising Nerdy. I can only keep her at bay for so long readers, she hungers for blood, especially since her Oscar pic did not win. Wah wah. Join me for a glass or two of “Staff Magician.”

Part of what drew me to this six-pack was the name. Staff Magician evokes images of a gold-trimmed shabby suited middle-aged man performing card tricks in the “B grade room” of an off the strip Las Vegas casino. He ain’t the main stage headliner, but Vegas livin’ is cheap and making white doves disappear in his top hat pays for the whiskey and women. The art on the can tells a different story, however. Whereas the black-clad dude on the can is apparently running a sleight of hand scam as he cheats at cards. I’ve been to Vegas, both visions of the beer magician are accurate.

SM, like many SoCal beers, is a NEIPA. Can’t find pumpkin beer, a toasted turkey bacon sub, a good slice of pizza, or affordable housing in this city to save your life, but god damn does SoCal love New England Style IPAs. So hop in (get it, get it), and join me on this fruitful (oh man look at these puns) journey through Mikkellars Staff Magician.

First things first, look at that fine color, golden and hazy, classic appearance of a NEIPA. Some noobs like to use the word murky, but I prefer unfiltered, it sounds more beer nerd, less beer snob. And just look at that head! Holy cow, what heights! That poor Sam Adams glass can barely contain that thick, meringue whipped off white foam. That creamy delight coated my upper lip with such turbidity, I should be wearing a shirt offering free mustache rides. It’s hard to tell from the picture, but even through the haziness, a good amount of bubbling was visible.

Well, this is starting off right! Looks good, but do the carpets match the drapes? Poor analogies aside, the aromas were as delightful as the appearance. SM struck a great balance: sweet and floral while being neither cloying nor perfumey and artificial. I feel like I snorted a tropical fruit salad off the Chiquita Banana lady’s naked ass. Notes of peach, mango, fresh guava, and pluot. Yes, pluot! The delightfully snobby cross between a plum and an apricot, although personally, I think apriplum or plumpot would have been far superior portmanteaus. Pluot sounds so brusque and grating. Interestingly enough, as I was writing that last sentence, I was watching The Good Place, and a character immediately starts talking about buying pluots en masse. Woah.

At first sip, SM swirled over my tongue like a cool breeze on a dewy spring morning. This drink is smooth, light, and creamy. Not creamy in the drinking actual cream way, more like the way your legs feel rubbing together under a sheet just after a shower shave session. Hmm, how long has it been since I shaved? No idea.

SM hits your tongue with a one-two punch, fruit punch that is. My very first impression was that of Hawaiian Punch, without the artificial flavors and cloying sweetness. Also missing, the minute, multi-pronged head little mascot. Did you know his name was Punchy? Punchy! That’s as bad as Boaty McBoat Face. Poorly named mascots aside, the flavors are a fantastic blend of peach, pluot (Apriplum!) mango, guava, and my personal favorite passionfruit. You’ll feel transported to a lounge chair in a shaded cabana on a Costa Rican beach as gummy bear body shots glide off Miss Chiquita Banana and into your drooling mouth. Hell, yes, I went there. Have you seen Carmen Miranda? I’d sip anything between those tits.

The second punch reminds you that oh yes, I am actually drinking an IPA. In case the juicy fruit salad doing the waltz on your tongue threw you into a state of temporary amnesia. The malted notes peeked out from behind the fruit to say hello. They weren’t strong malt, more like a light toasted crystal. Similar to eating some passionfruit curd on a shortbread cookie. The malt was followed by a slight resiny akin to bitter lemon/lime rind. The astringency of the last taste really helped to balance out the fruit notes. This was great. For all your NEIPA fans, I highly recommend. And for those of you who think you don’t like IPAs, give this one a try. You might just be surprised.

4 out of 5 Chiquita Bananas