Craft Beer, where are you?

This week I will not be reviewing beer. Fear not, I am certainly still drinking the malted liquid of the gods. However, I needed to blow off a little steam, and what better place to do so than Nerdy’s blog.
When people hear Los Angeles, it often conjures an image of flash, culture, and celebrities. I’ll let you know when I actually find some. I will admit LA is known across the country for its culinary culture. We do have quite the diverse bed of restaurants – tacos, Chinese, Italian you name it. It would be nice if I could actually afford any of it though. Even the moderately priced restaurants are higher then a former Central Mass girl was prepared for. “Overpriced for what it was,” has become a common phrase in my studio apartment. High prices, tiny portions, and a long ass drive to get there ugh. Don’t even get me started on the pizza. Is there good pizza here? No idea! But oh lord, don’t dare say anything to an Angelino, boy do the walls go up instantly when they perceive any insult. Everything about LA is great, and they couldn’t possibly hear otherwise!

But at least there is beer, right? California currently has more breweries than any other state. I can’t throw a nickel without hitting a brewery near my apartment (fortunately). There are 12 breweries within a 6-mile radius from my apartment (but with California traffic it seems like 60 miles.) But, much like the food, it is fucking expensive. Even a snooty beer snob like me draws the line at paying $20 for a 4 pack (ok once and I was buzzed, so my fiduciary faculties weren’t all with me.) Now CJ, why are you whining like a little baby when you have all these beer-producing facilities surround you!? I’ll tell you why, as much as I love sitting on a wooden bar stool with my beer flight while I watch dudes with sculptured beards and flannel pretend to discuss hop superiority, sometimes I want to sit my fat ass at home while I drink. Now CJ, you think, does LA not have liquor stores? LA does have liquor stores, yes. But 99% of them are the small convenience store type that will have maybe 3 or 4 craft offerings and the rest cheap trash beer. Grocery stores often have a better selection, but not by much. Even Total Wine/Bev Mo have limited options.

Liquor stores like Total Wine in Mass seemed to carry a variety of beers from all across the continental United States. Total wine in SoCal barely even carries CA beer, let alone East Coast offerings. Despite that, I can get over it (to a point.) It just forces me and the boyfriend to get out to a brewery once in a while and refill growlers. Most of the time we patronize Golden Road brewery up in slightly more affordable Glendale. GR is a treasure trove of fruitys, sours, IPAs and traditional blondes and brown. It’s a very well rounded brewery, it’s basically a unicorn. Most of the breweries here go right for the West Coast IPA style. Would you like some hops in your hops? You get the idea. Amidst the rant though, I would like to give a shout out to Dry River Brewery, a small boating themed brewery dedicated almost entirely to sours (review coming soon).

So basically I’m a cranky pants because I can’t go into a liquor store and get the variety I want. Because I’m a spoiled child. Here’s what is really chapping my ass this week though. It’s officially Fall. Now back in New England that meant changing leaves, boots, sweaters, apple picking, pumpkin beer, and Oktoberfest. In LA it just seems to mean a fuck ton of expensive Halloween parties with warm weather. Now I get an email from Total Wine announcing the Oktoberfests, and pumpkin beers have arrived. Huzzah and much rejoicing I think! So I traipse my ass over to Santa Monica Blvd and mentally prepare to drop some heavy dough on seasonal beverages. Back in Mass, I would be loading the cases upon cases of Pumpking, Pumpkin UFO, and Jacks Abby Copper Legend. So imagine my deep and utter despair when I laid eyes on Total Wine’s fall beer selection: Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale (the only delicious treat out of the bunch), god fucking awful Pumpkin Head, and Leinekugal Pumpkin Shandy (god I fucking hate shandies). I will continue to buy and drink Night Owl because it tastes like freakin pumpkin pie, but come on! I haven’t seen a single local brewery with a pumpkin or Oktoberfest on tap. San Diego has a few, but since everywhere in California is 10 hours away, I can’t exactly hop in and go grab a pint. My autumnal tradition for years has been buying and trying any new pumpkin and Oktoberfest I can get. I suppose that must go by the wayside this year. I do recall Frogtown having one pumpkin last year, but it was in December FFS. I can’t wait that long!

Because thinking about the lack of autumnal things put me in a sour (haha) mood, so I prescribed myself some self-care and hauled ass down to the Traders Joes next to USC. Two amazing things happened in that store that restored my mood. The first was some girl standing behind me in line who yelled: “Answer your fucking phone” in the most bratty stereotypical California brat voice you can conjure in your head. We are still mocking that voice hours later. Second, was the vast amounts of pumpkin and fall-related treats TJ’s featured. The god of Trader Joes heard my prayer. Gourds! Maple coffee! Pumpkin spiced everything huzzah! And their brand of pumpkin beer, reasonably priced at $6 like all TJ’s beer. Everything will be ok.

To all you New Englanders, just remember how lucky you are. And that concludes old woman yells at beer.