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Nicole Simeone
Christmas Filter
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At the beginning of the month, I sat down to create this year’s Christmas card. We don’t have pets or children, but sending well wishes on cardstock isn’t exclusive to people with either or both of those things. Scrolling through the options available on Shutterfly tells a slightly different story. But, hidden amongst the many options displaying kiddos and pups in the snow, were several options showing just a couple in the array of snaps. And my immediate thought was, who the hell are these people?
I know that these are mockups filled with actors posing for the pictures displayed in the layouts. But, they are selling one hell of a vision of what Christmas greetings should look like. Go take a scroll through. No one. Absolutely no one is that precise. At least, no one I know. Maybe you are, and I’m barking up the wrong tree. And if that’s the case, my sincerest apologies and most profound envy. I personally can’t pull it off.
I get that Shutterfly and like companies are out to sell their product, and they want to put forward a polished end result. Any other business plan probably wouldn’t work as well as the one they have. Or, would it?
Life isn’t perfect and pristine. It’s a leaning tower of accomplishments and expectations held together by whatever the hell McGiver had in his pocket as the clock ticked down. Where are all the mockups of that? Of the photos of the dresser smeared with lipstick by a kiddo while your back was turned. The ninth failed attempt at a cake. Oh, don’t leave out the broken heel and flat tire on the way to a big interview.
No business would make a mockup of that. No one would sit down to create that card. Or if they did, it would be a gag to show their spouse, significant other, or used to rile up a Christmas frazzled Mom. It would never make it into a virtual shopping cart, let alone a mailbox with a stamp and address on it.
When the photo albums come out at my parents, we usually end up stopping at the photo of Dad holding me and covered chin to waist in vomit. Mom said I shouldn’t be bouncing in the bed. As punishment, he had to wait for her to stop laughing long enough to find the camera and snap the shot. The progression of memories then devolves into finding all of the best worst moments, laughing at ourselves, and the fun we were having.
We don’t bother to stop at the posed school photos. Wait. Of course, we don’t. Those didn’t even make it into an album. Instead, they live in a shoebox or on Mom’s mantle. They aren’t reflective of ourselves. Yeah, we are in the photo, but the rigidity and posed nature of them are readily apparent. Not to mention, bad hair days were almost obligatory on picture day. Like, seriously Universe, was that really necessary? Obviously, it thought so.
I just can’t wrap my head around this push to send out into the world a manicured caricature of yourself. I’m writing this knowing our 2017 Christmas card did come damn close to fitting right in with the mockups.
Professional wedding photos to work with helps that along. Those don’t come around every year, at least, they don’t for us. And as you can see, I didn’t pick the posed shots in our array of wedding snaps.
Yes, there’s one in that collection where we appear posed and looking directly at the camera. That shot was our engagement photo and taken by my brother. It looks traditional enough, but we were battling a rough ocean breeze and failing. You should see the blooper reel on that. The fun, though. And it shows in the photo.
Our subsequent Christmas cards certainly do not fit the Christmas filter. In fact, I’d imagine we’ve elicited a giggle or two from the person taking the product off the printer with our choices. Maybe even a few groans. But, if you scroll through those options again, there’s not really an in-between marriage and babies.
Of all the couple centric mockups, all are suggestive of an engagement or a wedding. I didn’t see a single one where the couple was married already just doing their couple thing. It gave the impression that couples without kids or dogs have nothing to offer in the Christmas season. The Hanukkah card section had a couples card that was suggestive of a sunny vacation instead of an engagement. Odd.
So, I really didn’t have examples that fit our situation. That left me to my own devices. And, generally speaking, I should probably be supervised when it comes to things like this. It was a real pain trying to find the right background for our photos. I know it’s Christmas, so the red and green thing is pretty big. But, finding the right background to accentuate the glow of lightsabers was tough. I went down through the entire catalog of card options.
Obviously, not everyone has that problem. But what I’m getting at is this Christmas filter seems terribly specific. I feel like it’s turning Christmas well wishes into that moment in 13 Going on 30. A young Jenna points to the cover of a magazine wanting to look like the women on the cover, and her mother says, “Oh, those aren’t people, honey, those are models.”
Don’t get me wrong. The group shots and loveable dog faces are great. It’s not the photos or the sent cards. The cards I receive sit on my credenza until well after New Year’s for the enjoyment they bring. The campaigns pushing glamour over reality is what gets me. Is it really that much fun negotiating, nagging, and sometimes physically dragging everyone to a photoshoot where everyone is uncomfortable, probably hungry and exhausted from waiting?
I would have to just get Adam to a studio. Can’t imagine what getting kids there would be like there. Kidding. Kidding. Friends and fam, I’m sorry, you get our unvarnished, not to mention borderline childish photo spreads.
