An Abundance of Time

Another Sunday has snuck up and caught me unprepared for a Monday article. As the days and weeks stretch further into this new normalcy, it’s getting harder to find subjects to write about. Before the COVID pause, my weekends were chockfull with places to go and people to see, keeping my well of inspiration well stocked. I wouldn’t say that the well is dry at this point. But, it’s not like there is much incoming traffic to replace what I use either. And it feels like I am picking at a substantial scab when I reach into my reserves.

Our mothers drilled into us why that is such a bad thing to do. And, just like any willful child, I still do it. Adam and I even went so far as spending an entire afternoon out on the deck not that long ago, scrolling through our vacation photos. Would you classify that as picking, or is that whatever is ten steps beyond picking?

The hangover, for lack of a better term, that resulted was substantial. The anger and feelings of loss produced by the early days of COVID reared their ugly heads. To make things worse, it’s not like we could chug Pedialyte, pop some Tylenol, and eat a greasy breakfast to chase these after-effects away. This is why every time I sit down to brainstorm for posts, I hesitate to dip a bucket into that reserve and pull something out.

Laments aside, I really should revel in the amount of time this pause has offered up in exchange for traditional entertainment methods. I bitched about not having enough time before this started. Shouldn’t I be putting that time into use?

Yes sounds like it should be the answer here. I want it to be that way. But the Universe has one hell of a sense of humor. This is not just time given without strings. The amount of stress that is tacked on to the reclaimed time thanks to a highly contagious disease running rampant is frankly, overwhelming at times. So here I am asking myself, what the hell can I talk about for about a thousand words that might be interesting to someone?

I feel like I have said this before. I probably have. So much that I am fighting with myself not to put down this laptop and just sit at my sewing machine.

It would be far easier than cobbling together words for a post. In some ways, it would provide satisfaction struggling to write can’t offer. But then I would end up beating myself up that I can’t make the deadlines I set. This is not a particularly helpful cycle.

I can’t even write off the missed deadlines to being engaged in important self-care. I had intentions this week to do that. Honestly, I did. You hear so much about it and how it is super important to mental health. I took three days off of work to get some things done and, more importantly, relax.

It would be awesome for me to sit here and say how amazing the exercise in self-care went this week. I want to be able to write that. But I would be lying. In my effort to recoup and recenter myself, I managed instead to frustrate and annoy myself.

I took a wrong turn in Albuquerque.

I remember being able to set aside time to shut off and do things just for myself. Entire summer vacations were spent perfecting and honing these skills. I would sit for hours and hours reading or writing to my heart’s content. Whole sun-bleached days were spent amongst the waves, swimming along until my hands and feet resembled prunes. I know that I can shut away the rest of the world, indulge in my hobbies and interests. So why is it so freaking hard?

If this were something easy to do, self-care wouldn’t be such a popular movement. Instead, it would be a natural part of everyone’s life.

As I sit here and think about my struggle to focus on what I wanted to do, I can’t help but get caught up on phrases like “spending time” and “time well spent,” which put time on the same playing field as money. Time cannot really be saved in a bank as it is continuously in motion, but our effort during the time something takes can be.

With COVID precautions removing obstacles like long commutes, engagements, meetings, etc., we have reclaimed a lot of time that would be otherwise earmarked. In my case, at least, there is a pressure to put that reclaimed time to the best use possible. Which is absurd when I stop to think about what I am actually doing. I am overthinking about how I am going to spend those minutes and hours rather than just using them to do what strikes me. It would be a shit strategy for money, but not so much for the concept of time.

This little monologue is excellent to actually work out the why of things. The how is the part that I usually get tangled up with. I guess I will give it another go. Maybe I should try with smaller blocks of time. Or something.

Anyone else lost as to what to do with the extra time we all have these days? Or does anyone have any strategies to avoid pitfalls of putting too much pressure on how you spend your time?