A Proper Minger from Boomtown

Jesus H Christ, how are we into May already! Sweet fuck. Here in Los Angeles, we have both mandatory mask orders, and businesses that are already getting ready to reopen. My office has recently furloughed some employees, although I was safe for that round. Best of luck to those poor fucks for getting through to the unemployment office, my heart goes out. We had a Zoom with the head of the organization last week, he thinks we will be back in the office by May 15th, wearing masks and having our temperatures taken. Most of my day is spent on the phone, so a mask isn’t going to work in real-time. It would be nice if they can take this as an opportunity to allow workers one a week telecommuting, since we have proven it can be done. I’m sure not, though. Ugh.

I am not in a good mood right now. I ordered some bulk spices online, and they were supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I checked the tracking today and turns out the box was sent early this morning. UPS, those lying liars, says my package was left “with manager.” No, it fucking wasn’t. People are garbage in my building who steal packages. I’m kicking myself for not checking the tracking early today to see if the expected date changed. I swear to god this fucking city is one giant dumpster fire, my neighborhood especially. Last week we had the fucking LAPD SWAT team raid a building across the alley from me, they pulled out so many handcuffed people a clown car would be put to shame.

Now my spices! My precious spices! I make a lot of Italian, and as such go through copious amounts of basil, thyme, oregano etc. So it’s cheaper to buy them in bulk, Plus this company has the most delicious powdered taco seasoning I’ve had to date. I definitely ordered a quarter of taco supreme, hell I would have ordered five quarts if I could. I try to call UPS and after sixteen different automated messages with BS menus, I was alerted that there was no person with whom I could speak. I’m sure the character limited message I sent to them will be eagerly attended to, however.

The company was no help either. I’ve been ordering from this company for years. Generally, the customer service is excellent. But all the representative was able to do was confirm on UPS with their end, kick it up the chain of command, and contact me tomorrow. AT LEAST it’s a small company, maybe I’ll get somewhere. Otherwise, this is what chargebacks are for right? I’d rather have the goddamn spices! I ordered smoked paprika! My bourbon marinade! I am so angry at the sentient pile of rotting diapers that steals shit in this building. I hope you shit your pants in public every day for the remainder of your sad, pathetic life.

Ok, well not gonna lie, that felt pretty good. On a lighter note, Nerdy, the menfolk and I, Zoomed a riveting game of Trivial Pursuit on Saturday night. No one won, but fun was had by all. And yes, beers were included. It was actually the first time since I moved that we all got to see each other’s gorgeous mugs. I gave her the 5 cent tour (which is being generous) of my pit of an apartment, and the boyfriend’s newly acquired ponytail was shown off to all. Since Quarantine began, I enjoy having excuses to ply myself with drag queen levels of makeup.

Speaking of drag queens, RuPaul’s Drag Race is my new brain candy of the week. Big shout out to mine and Nerdy’s friend Kat for giving me her Hulu info. Watching 10 bitchy queens with crazy makeup skills just makes me feel happy and elated and calm. So sue me.

NOW one day after writing that angry paragraph, the spice company will be sending me a new shipment of spices. I will be monitoring the tracking on this bitch like a madam in a whorehouse. Especially because UPS eventually responded to me that ya ok, we left it at the managers, no? Oh ok, well, check with the shipper lol bitch. One of the many reasons I am any about the Orange Foolius’s desire to rid the American public of the USPS. The American Postal Service has NEVER let me down with any package delivery.

This week chickadees, we are (fake) heading to my favorite LA brewery. Now when I say LA, I mean downtown LA. LA County counts too, but this one is an actual ten-minute drive from my house. Me and the boyfriend have patronized Boomtown multiple times in person, and I have yet to actually take proper notes about an actual brewery review. So, for the next two weeks, I will have boomin’ beer reviews from two of their offerings I really enjoy. Named for the “boomtowns” that sprung up in the mid-1800’s thanks to the gold rush (although now this refers more to the booming arts and entertainment industry), Boomtown Brewery is in the heart of DTLA’s “Arts District.

Founded in 2014, BB occupies an industrial warehouse site down the street from the LA River. I enjoy the open space, the walls are filled with giant murals of cats and owls, and there is a prominent shuffleboard table. I could get down on having a party here, the acoustics are set up for blasting tunes. Like the kids do. Ya ok, it’s hipstery, but plenty of breweries have the bare-walled setup.

For this week’s offering, I give you “Proper Minger,” a best bitter ale. I do love English bitters, for those of you haven’t had one, bitter is really a misnomer. I find them to be well balanced, and not overly bitter. I’m not sure the picture I took does this beer justice. That color is just gorgeous, with a hazy amber hue that catches the light for a golden sparkle. What little head remained after pouring was a pretty cream-colored fluff, complimenting the amber nicely. I’m not sure if this is just a minimal head beer, or if that is the result of a rough crowler fill. Either way, beer is the only place I’m not concerned with the lack of head. Insert winky face here. I googled what Minger means, it is British slang for someone/something that is ugly. PM, my friends, is certainly not.

I love love loved the aromas of this beer. Strong notes of toffee, medium toasted biscuit, sweet molasses, and, oddly enough, vanilla almond. From the smell alone, I can tell I’m going to like this beer. I’m a 34-year-old trapped in the body of an old, and as such, I enjoy toffee, butterscotch, and other old lady candies. Come at me! Try as I might, I did not detect any bitter aroma notes. Sip sip sip. Oh baby this beer is smooth! Velvety smooth with a medium mouthfeel. PM is lower on the carbonation scale, again I’m not sure if that is normal for this beer or the result of being in a crowler. Again no matter, there is enough.

Onto the taste, shall we? PM is like a hoppy sandwich, with some malty variety peppered in the middle. I first noticed some lovely floral notes, hoppy, yet bright reminiscent of lavender. Lupulin lovers rejoice! Beer brewers who add hops within the last 5 minutes of the boil (or dry hop, which involves no boiling) achieve a non-bitter flavor that draws purely on floral flavor. Now let’s take a complete 180 and go for some Skor tastes. For you young folks Skor is a crispy toffee candy bar covered in chocolate. Imagine Skore, with all its rich, luscious molasses flavor, minus the sweetness. Sounds weird right?! I know but it works, trust me. Once I picked up on the Skor, I started slurping up the PM trying to be all pretentious and picking up any flavor I could. I imagined raisin, vanilla, with a bit of dirt thrown in. Now please don’t be thrown by the dirt. Earthiness is a quality I appreciate in beer (coffee is another story, though).

Now comes the bottom of the sandwich, bitter citrus rind astringency, which was absolutely beautiful. As you all know, I really don’t care for overly malted beers, I don’t like that cloying sweetness. With PM, you get that rich molasses sweetness, but the astringency of boiled in hops washes away. My mouth was left with such dry cleanness I was in love! Unfortunately, Boomtown does not distribute outside of SoCal (that I know of). Y’all won’t be able to taste the deliciousness of this draank. Nerdy will just have to visit me to taste. Wink Wink.

4 out of 5 grandma candies